Potty!

HUGE! NEWS! A certain ginger 2 year old just peed in the potty for the VERY FIRST TIME!! I am one happy mama bunny right now, I can tell you that! :)

So. Now that that's out of the way...today was a very slow-moving and painful day. Wednesday is Kitchen Day, and ALWAYS brutal. I spent most of the day yesterday scrubbing the crap out of the kitchen, and, as usual, way overdid it, and spent most of today lying on the couch trying not to die from fatigue and terrible fibromyalgia-induced muscle pain. But the kitchen really did need it, and I didn't even get to the floor. Oy.

After a few days of it, I have to say that this whole not-using-the-dryer thing has got me SUPER excited. I can. not. WAIT to see the difference in usage on the next bill!

Today was the first day of school here, and a couple people I know have kids who started kindergarten. It's had me thinking a lot today about what it's going to be like maneuvering things for G, when he gets there, from a religious perspective. Will there be a lot of hostility? Will he get made fun of or bullied? Will they throw a fit about him missing school for sabbats? Will he ever feel ashamed of our faith, or of us, because we're "different"? There's no way to know any of that until the time comes, but they're all things I worry about. I hate that my child might have a more difficult go of it, or be singled out, because of something that isn't really up to him. He didn't get to choose his family (unless you believe he did, which sometimes I do think is more than just possible), and he didn't get to choose small-town, Christian-dominated America, just like he didn't get to choose to be a ginger, or all-but-albino, or freakishly tall, all things he'll probably take heat for in school. There's nothing I can do but teach him ways to react properly, but it still kills me just thinking about it.

Well, ok...I say there's nothing I can do, but that's not really true, just as it's not true there's nothing I can do about our financial situation. There's nothing the gods and I can't do together.
I suppose I should mention at this point that I do almost no ceremonial or "high" magic. I've noted in passing that I have fibromyalgia, which for me manifests more often as crippling fatigue than pain (although that certainly shows up plenty, too). At times, even things like reading a book to Gabriel take more energy than I have. This hurts me emotionally on a number of levels: everyone who has ever met Gabriel can tell from the first moment that he is more than just smart; he is an extremely gifted child, and I would not be surprised if he started kindergarten a year early like I did. He has so much potential, and so much is determined in the first few years, that I feel like the world's worst mother because I am not able to help and teach him as much as I'd like to.
But it also manifests in a religious way. As a pagan, obviously I wanted from day one to all but live outside, to take G walking in the woods, and play with him in ponds and grass and trees, to teach him about the sacredness of Mother Earth and all her children. I want to show him bugs and animals and plants, teach him their names and properties, how to connect with them, to respect them, to love and protect them as he does himself. To feel the power and holy energy of Father Sun at midday, and the very different power and holy energy of Mother Moon at Her fullest. To celebrate the sabbats, and teach him why we do so. To help him grow into a dirt-worshiping pagan just like his mother.
Obviously, none of these things have happened yet, and I feel like I am failing at my most important task of all: teaching my little witch-baby about the God and Goddess and their unending love for us.
Ooh, Chris finally just got home at a quarter after 11, so I'm out to spend some time with him.

Brightest blessings,
Alicia

Oy!

I mentioned before that cooking and I don't quite see eye-to-eye. There are two main impediments to cooking for me: for one, I won't touch raw meat, and for two, I don't eat any vegetables other than green beans. However, over the last couple months I have been making a conscious effort to expand my culinary horizons. Obviously, it's way cheaper and better for us than eating out, but *cliche alert!* it also makes me feel so good to provide for my family. Even on days when my fibromyalgia and fatigue are bad and I really can't do much of anything during the day, usually by the time dinner rolls around I've got enough energy to cook and Chris is home to keep G out of my way. On days like that it's often the only thing I feel like I've accomplished at all, and is a huge self-esteem and mood boost.

Cooking also gives me a chance, even when I'm just microwaving ravioli or soup for G's lunch, to do some spiritual reconnecting. Each time I prepare food for someone, it's an opportunity to honor Hestia or Frigga or whatever deity you most connect with that kind of activity (for me, it's usually one of those two). I don't have an altar of any kind in my kitchen, because there's nowhere to put it, not even on the windowsills; I would desperately love to get an over-the-sink shelf to employ as one, something like this: 2-Tiered Scrolled Wood Sink Shelf. But while I'm cooking or preparing to cook, I will keep Hestia in my mind and try to channel her energy, love, warmth and generosity into myself, while at the same time pouring love, good health and abundance into whatever I'm making. Doing this also makes cooking a little easier when I just don't feel like it.

So. Tonight's adventure in making dinner was...adventurous. While cooking hamburger to make Sloppy Joe's, the spatula slipped and flung some of it directly onto my hand and shirt, which didn't feel particularly awesome. Then I drained the hamburger and about a quarter of it ended up in the sink. Deep breath, Alicia! Refocus! It's not about the outcome being five-star (especially for a novice like me), it's about trying, and getting familiar with it, and above all about the intent and keeping focused on this: "...all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals."

Brightest blessings,

Alicia

Laundry, and saving

As I mentioned previously, supporting our family on one income has become increasingly difficult over the last year or so. One of my goals for this space is for it to be a place where discussion about "life on the ground" as a homemaker and/or as a pagan can take place, so I will attempt to be as open (and probably boring) as possible. Chris got a promotion last April, and while it's more money, it included moving to a different building about 40 miles away. Between the cost of gas and buying himself lunch, instead of coming home on his lunch hour as he did for years when work was five minutes away, in real terms we're taking in less now than we were before. To this end, now that our wedding is over, my main focus is to do everything I can to get our budget under control. Tonight I bought and put together a drying rack and hung up a load of laundry for the first time since...well, ever, honestly. I have also been researching ways to weatherize our house that don't require a significant outlay. I found a couple awesome websites for this: http://www.energystar.gov/index.cfm?c=home_improvement.hm_improvement_index and http://www.alliantenergy.com/UtilityServices/ForYourHome/EasyEnergySavers/index.htm. My first purchases were Duck Foam Socket Sealers and Duck Double Draft Seal. The door seal was super easy, but I haven't tried the socket seals yet - will report back on them when I do. I'm also looking into things like insulating our water heater and hot water pipes, having an energy audit done (our power company does them for free - so awesome!!), and finding something Chris told me exists but I have yet to see: apparently, they make power strips that come with a remote control, so we can just push a button and actually cut power to our TV, PS3, satellite receiver, computer, and stereo system, thus avoiding phantom power loss. I am extremely excited about this possibility, and heading to Home Depot tomorrow to investigate it. We also purchased a new microwave the other day with some of our wedding money, as a couple buttons on our old one had stopped working, and the new one has a button you can push to turn the thing off totally, again avoiding teh evil phantom power!!! It makes me way happier than a microwave has any right to, in all honesty.

On a spiritual level, my new goal for myself is to at all times expect abundance. As pagans, we know better than anyone the power that thought, will and intent have, and that belief and expectation can make all the difference - for example, in whether a ritual succeeds or fails. As someone who has struggled all her life with sometimes-crippling anxiety disorders, fear and worry are among the things I do best - but I am working on making myself believe that abundance will come; and more importantly, to remember that, even when situations seemed impossible, the Gods have always provided and seen us through, and always will. If I can just shut my stupid, worrying head up and trust in Them, there is nothing we cannot do together.

So now tell me: what are your little ways of saving money, or of helping Mother Earth?

Brightest blessings,
Alicia

The Beginning

Hello, bloglings! My name is Alicia, and I welcome you to my little corner of the interwebs. I've decided to start a blog about being a stay at home pagan mom. I find it highly unlikely that this will be an exciting or terribly popular place, but that's ok - that isn't exactly why I'm here. Mostly, I'm beginning this new adventure because I'm sort of tired of being alone. In my part of the world, being a pagan is a lonely business, and I miss the spiritual support and encouragement that, as a Christian teenager, we got during "fellowship". I miss sharing with other people of my faith the great things God was doing is my life, and giving each other spiritual advice, and celebrating and worshipping and praying together. I may worship different deities now than I did then, but the Gods are still doing great things in my life, both big and small, and I still want to share those things with other people who will appreciate how good They are. I still have struggles and problems in my life, and I still want to share those things with others who will support and encourage me, and help me in a faith-based way. My hope for this blog is to find a few like-minded people seeking the same things, and for us to be there for each other in ways people of other faiths can't.

The phase of life I'm in right now is probably best compared, weird as it may seem, to the Christian women who refer to themselves as "Titus II wives". I'm a stay-at-home-mom and wife (my son, Gabriel, will be three in November, and my husband, Chris, and I were handfasted last weekend after almost seven years together - hooray!), and though there are many things I want to do in my life that involve working outside the home (my true passion is studying the Holocaust and genocides, and my dream job is working at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum), right now I feel very strongly that my place in this world is at home, raising my child, a job that my beliefs tell me belongs to no one else in the world. To me motherhood and fatherhood are sacred duties given to us by the gods, and if at all possible at least one parent should stay home, until a child starts school, at least, and do the job him/herself. Please let me be clear: in NO WAY am I saying that I look down on or disapprove of working parents, or ANYTHING of the sort. I was raised by a working mommy, and she still managed to be pretty much the best parent ever. But given the choice, I would have rather not had to go to a babysitter while she worked when I was very small, and I know it killed her that she couldn't stay home with me. Right now, my job is to raise Gabriel to be the best person he can be, to teach him about the wonders of the world and the infinite love of the Goddess and God, and to provide a good foundation for our little family to stand on and thrive.
The feminist, little ball of fire left-wing liberal part of me (which is...well, all of me LOL) feels sort of ambivalent about the whole Suzy Homemaker thing, like I'm letting myself down, or not living up to my potential, or being brain-washed by the crazy right-wingers who thing all wives should just reproduce, cook, clean, and be subservient to their husbands. But at the same time, that's not at all the person that I am, or the one I strive to be. Chris drives a long way in a car without air conditioning every day to work super-hard so that I can stay home and raise Gabriel, something many parents would love to do but can't, and I really feel like the least I can do in return is keep our home in shape and cook dinner sometimes (cooking and I have a slowly-improving but very wary relationship). It's definitely a struggle financially, and I'm very grateful to have a partner who's also willing to make sacrifices so that Gabriel can be raised by his mama, and not a babysitter.

Phew! That's a whole lotta stuff, but at the same time I'm very glad to get it out and down on virtual paper. That's all for now - but I'm sure I'll be back soon!

With brightest blessings,
Alicia